What is Virginity?

Otherwise known as The Definition of Virginity in the Context of Patriarchal Societal Norms.

Okay, okay. I figured the original title would catch your attention better, was I right? Of course I was. So I know what you must be thinking. Dawn. You're 38 years old. If you don't understand the concept of virginity at your age, then I think we need to have a talk, right?

Wrong.

A conversation with a friend last night got me to thinking about the definition of virginity in our society. See, most people think of a virgin as someone who hasn't had sex. That's the definition right? According to dictionary.com the definition is specifically 'A person who has never had sexual intercourse.'

My friend is a lesbian and at 26 years old she feels that she is, by societies definition, a virgin because she has never engaged in penetrative sex. Either with a man or a woman. She has certainly had sexual experiences with women, but has never experienced penetration. So by societies hetero-normative definition, that makes her a virgin. But does it?

You see, I feel that the current definition of what a virgin is is outdated and doesn't take into account the different types of relationships that now exist in today's society. (Well, they've always existed, they're simply now more accepted and mainstream.)

For example: Say you have two lesbian women. They've never had sex with  men, and choose not to engage in penetration with each other, since it isn't necessary for a woman to achieve sexual pleasure. They have a very active and healthy sex life with one another. Are they virgins? Society says they are because they haven't engaged in official sexual intercourse. They haven't 'done the deed' so to speak. I say no, they are not virgins. They are experienced at sexually pleasing one another. They have achieved orgasm with the help of another human being. They've had sex, just not the most common type of sex we're all used to. And that's OK.

The same can be said for gay men. Not all gay men choose to engage in anal penetration. They can still pleasure their partners and bring them orgasm and have healthy, loving sexual relationships without penetration of any kind. But according to society, since they aren't sticking tab A into slot B it doesn't count.

I think if you are heterosexual then yes, societies definition of what a virgin is can apply to you. But for same sex relationships we need to change our thinking and it certainly isn't right to laugh at a person because their definition of sex is different than yours. We shouldn't negate healthy sex lives simply because that sex doesn't line up with what we or you understand as a society.

All sorts of definitions are changing. Gender, sexuality.

I think virginity should too.

Thanks for reading,

Dawn