Tonight I made history...

Okay! Hello my sunny followers, or follower, as the case may be!

I'm sorry for that mopey, miserable, feeling sorry for myself blog post I did recently! Lordy me who was on the pity train that day?!? I was!! Sometimes it's really hard, when you get off track, to focus on what you've already succeeded. You lose sight of what you've already done, because the seemingly insurmountable is there before you.

I've lost 43 pounds at last count. That means I have a little over 60 to go till I reach my initial goal weight. I say initial goal weight because I've set what I believe to be a realistic goal of losing 104.6 pounds. I weighed in, on May 5th 2010 at 274.6 pounds. That is the heaviest I've ever been, except when I was pregnant with my son and that doesn't count cause it was mostly fluid and him, he was a big baby!! So I've set the goal to be 170 pounds. At that point, I will evaluate how I'm doing and how much extra fat I'm carrying as opposed to how much muscle I've gained and see if I need to lose anymore. According to the BMI scale I should be 130 but seriously?! I don't WANT to be that weight! And getting there and keeping myself there would be a nightmare. What I want is a mostly flat tummy, a bottom I can be proud of in jeans, and to feel fit and healthy so I can run around and play with my kids without getting exhausted. I want to be able to wear fashionable clothes and high heel shoes. Some of those are silly dreams maybe, but they're mine.

So tonight was the big night, premiere of the best show on earth, The Biggest Loser!! I've watched it for years, and for years, like many of the actual contestants I did so while eating Burger King and McDonald's and ice cream and cake. But something in season nine just 'clicked' for me. One particular episode had a big impact on me and it was that next day, May 5th 2010 that I began this journey. I began eating healthy and exercising. And weight began coming off.

I've had a rough couple of weeks, well, a rough several weeks. But I'm starting to turn it around and get back on track. No more feeling sorry for myself and I feel like now that I've got my show I just can't lose. The show is so motivating for me and really makes me feel like I can do it, no matter what.

Tonight's show was so emotional. I don't know if I like what they did this year. They went to seven cities and 3 people in each city had to take a challenge. Either running a mile, or doing five hundred step ups. The first two to complete it got to go to the biggest loser ranch. The third was eliminated. I was upset that they didn't tell the contestants, it was a surprise at the time. Which is par for the course with the show. It was so hard because each of them had compelling stories and deserved so much for a second chance at life. But seven people had to have their hopes and dreams dashed. A few even collapsed from the physical toll the challenge took on their already taxed, obese bodies. It was heartbreaking and I shed a lot of tears.

After the first couple challenges, I thought to myself, "I haven't worked out yet today." I had a session meeting tonight and usually they run really late. But I got home at a decent time, got the girls to bed and was watching my show. I got to thinking that I wanted to find out how it felt to do five hundred step ups. I looked around the house for something I could use and finally settled on a stack of books. That was, I admit, a little dangerous. They could have slid and toppled me at any time. But I was careful. I wasn't competing against anyone, like the folks on the show. So I took my time, made sure the books stayed lined up and fixed them when I needed to, and just took it one step at a time. It took me a while, I didn't watch the time so I'm not sure. But the numbers I counted got bigger and bigger, till 500 was only 50 away. I felt this huge smile break out on my face as I continued to step. 451...452...453...and so on. When I reached 500, I surprised myself. I burst into tears and cried like baby. :) *looks sheepish* And did so a few times afterward as I sat on the couch watching the rest and drinking ice cold water. It just felt so...liberating! Amazing! and just damn good!! I would not have been able to do that five months ago. The changes that have happened to me in that time are just astonishing!

So the good news about The Biggest Loser is that the eliminated contestants will get a second chance at some point. Which is really good news. It broke my heart to see their sadness and tears. But I know something now that I didn't know a while back. I know, that it CAN be done at home. That with hard work and perseverance you can overcome anything. It isn't easy, and never will be. There will be times when you stumble and fall and feel like you don't want to get up. But YOU CAN!!! You can get up and keep going even when you think you've given everything you had left!

I feel so proud of my 500 steps. I feel so...it's hard to even put it into words! I feel like I want to do it again, every night! Well, maybe not every night, but it's something I'd like to add to my work out plan. I don't really have much of a plan but I have a variety of resources so I don't get bored with any one thing :)

A goal I've set for myself during this Biggest Loser season is that I plan to do some sort of workout while watching the show. Whether that be using my weights, doing cardio that I make up on the spot, stepping, whatever. I plan to spend at least half of each two hour episode working out. I think that's the sort of thing that would make Bob and Jillian smile :)

BTW, I did have an ice cream tonight, a 90 calorie, weight watchers ice cream bar ;) hehe!!

Well folks, I'm off to bed, but that is your sunrise commentary for this evening, have a good night :)

Why?

If it makes me sick to my stomach, then why do I do it?

I've lost forty pounds since May 5th. It hasn't been an easy road, and at the moment it almost seems like it's getting harder. Well, who am I kidding? It is getting harder. The problem is that I don't understand why, at this point, I'm all of a sudden struggling so badly.

I sort of still watch my calories. I know what portions I can eat and what foods are good and not good for me. I know a lot of things I've learned from various different sources. But I've fallen back into my old binge eating routine. Not in anyway as bad as I used to be, when I would sit down and devour something like 2000 calories of burger king or McDonald's in one sitting. No, this is more insidious. I do well all day, then nighttime hits. Instead of exercising or finding something else to do, I eat. Not a huge amount all at once. It starts with a little too much at dinner, then I find myself gobbling leftovers if there are any. Then I find myself looking for any kind of snack to stuff my face with mindlessly. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for it. And I can't seem to stop myself. The guilt and the shame keep coming back. I promise myself, and my husband, that I won't do it again. But that seems to only last a few days and then I find myself there again.

I've lost the motivation to exercise. Even at my heaviest, the exercise was the easiest part! I would just get up and do it and now the mere thought of doing it freezes me in my chair. Why?

I suppose some of it is stress. Work is very stressful now that I've had extra duties thrust upon me. I don't like them, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with everything. Where work used to be fairly easy going, it's now stressful, hectic and exhausting. Not that I'm afraid of hard work, but it's fear that I face now every day when I go in. Fear that I'm expendable. That if I don't kill myself to do the job they'll knock down my hours or just fire me altogether. The fear and the environment are what is getting to me right now, not the workload, though that sucks too. I also wasn't properly trained on the job I was asked to take over. It wasn't done fairly to the person whose duties I took over. I had considered her a friend, and in her anger over what happened she was very hurtful toward me. I felt helpless. On the one hand I understood her anger, on the other, I felt hurt because I had nothing to do with what happened, but she was taking it out on me.

I'm also doing work that is outside my comfort zone. I'm no accountant, as my other co-worker will happily tell you. She herself is highly organized and has worked in accounting for nearly 20 years. She knows it all and is competent to an extreme level. Me, well, my skills lie in other areas. I'm great with customers, and the phone. And I've done a good job at whittling my main job down into efficient tasks that take half the time they took my predecessor to do. Which is probably why they thought I needed more work to do! My new job includes billing and I hate it. I really, truly can't stand it. I never even took accounting in school!

I just feel like motivation is leeching right out of me. I don't want to do anything when I come home, I get cross with the kids easily. The only thing that's going right at all is my relationship with my husband, which is rock solid as always. He's so wonderful and supportive and encouraging. And that adds another dimension to my guilt, the thought that I'll disappoint him. When I was really heavy he worried terribly about my health and I hated worrying him. It was one of my biggest motivations for losing weight in the beginning.  I just feel so derailed at the moment!

I don't even want to talk to people on the phone. My Mom called tonight to wish my daughter a happy birthday, and after I just made an excuse to get off the phone. Aside from my husband there isn't anyone at the moment I want to talk to. :(

I guess the good thing is that day after day I still try to do good during the day. I just have to find a way to get back that balance and confidence I had before. I don't have the time or money to take an exercise class, which would be ideal. But there aren't enough hours in the day for that sort of thing, not to mention the cost.

It feels good to be blogging again, and getting some of this stuff off my chest. I've had people tell me I've inspired them with my weight loss, but I just feel like a fraud at the moment, going back to my old ways.

Sometimes I wish Bob Harper or Jillian Michaels would show up on my doorstep and encourage me. My favorite show in the whole world, The Biggest Loser, is starting next week. I'm praying, hoping and praying that it will help to motivate me as it's done in the past. The Biggest loser is what started me on this adventure, and perhaps with the help of my husband, and the Biggest Loser, I can get back on track.

Here's to hoping and that's your sunrise commentary for this evening.

Dawn

How do you parent?

Hello all,

Today I thought  I would address the issue of parenting. If there are, by chance, any random people out there reading this blog, I am the mother of two little girls. Also one little boy who went to live in heaven several years ago. I don't, in anyway, claim to be a perfect parent. What works, and doesn't work, for me may work wonders or not at all for another parent. All kids, and all parents are different. So let me start by saying that I'm not criticizing the way others parent. But I will address parenting that I think is good and techniques that I don't like so much based on the behavior of children I've observed who are parented in various ways.

So the biggest lesson I've learned as a parent, and the thing I still most struggle with, is consistency. Children can spot a wishy-washy adult from a mile away. Like a shark smelling blood in the water, they'll pounce if they think an adult can't, or won't stand up to them. That sounds odd doesn't it? To think of standing up to a child. It's a child! But I've seen grown adults who wouldn't back down from a 6'3" 300lb guy, shrink in the face of blue eyes and blond ringlets. It's the cute factor, works every time :)

My kids, for the most part, understand that Mommy means business. Does that mean my four year old never throws tantrums? Of course not! She had a very vocal one in Aldi's once. We were only stopping for a gallon of milk, but she wanted to sit in the cart. I was good and didn't cave on that, but it meant I had to listen to ear-vibrating yells the entire time in the store, and until we got to the car. I wanted to die with mortification. But we got through it. There are times when I do give in. When it's easier to give her a popsicle close to bedtime, or let her stay up an extra half an hour to watch tv because I'm tired and don't want to fight.

Lately I've been a lot tougher though. Lilli is one headstrong little girl and I found that, because she was my baby, I was favoring her over my 7 year old daughter and giving her her way more often, but still being tough on Kaia. My husband pointed out to me how very unfair that was. So these days, at home at least, if Lilli goes into one of her fits, she has to sit on her bed. Which she HATES! :) Which is why it works so well. She's very quickly learning that the less amount of time that she cries or screams the sooner she gets to go back to what she was doing. Tonight I had to pick her up, screaming and kicking, and deposit her in her bed. No teeth brushing, no potty, just right in the bed. She screamed for a bit, but then she calmed down and wanted hugs and kisses and went potty and we sang a song. It was a sweet, snuggly time, that could have been miserable otherwise. But she is learning that what Mom says, goes. Whether she likes it or not. Consistency doesn't come easily to me, but I'm trying really hard and making a conscious effort to do it.

Now, I know, that some kids can't help bad behavior no matter how good their parents are. With things like ADD and ADHD and various other things, kids will be bad, no matter how well they're parented. But there are times, when I see parents interact with their children, that I want to go over and smack the other parent upside their head!

One problem occurs when you have a child with a very strong personality, and a parent who has a very docile, quiet, shy personality. So often the child ends up ruling the house and everyone in it. I've seen one parent, say no to their little girl, but she pesters so strongly that Mom gives in, every, single time. Lately, she only has to pester for a few seconds and Mom gives in, just to shut her up. I see defeat in her parenting stance, which the child takes full advantage of. The child tries this with other adults as well, with varying degrees of success. Dad is a little more firm than Mom, but the behaviors learned from dealing with Mom are so ingrained that even he gives up in frustration after a while. It's easier to give in and have peace, then stand firm and deal with the consequences.

What's worse is when parents recognize their children behave badly, but do nothing to fix the problem. I think sometimes parents like this have tried everything only to have it not work and have now just given up. They'll make token attempts to stop the worst of the behavior, but mostly they focus on whatever their doing and leave their kids to pester, annoy and disturb other people.

Then you have the ones that don't parent all. They just don't care how their children behave. When little Johnnie or Suzie hurts a peer, you might even see this parent smirk, as if it's a funny joke, and then go back to their conversation. This, I believe, is where child bully's most often come from.

Then you have the issue of spanking. I do spank my kids. It's always only as a last resort, and never done in anger. But sometimes there just has to be something to surprise and shock them out of the behavior they are indulging in. You'll hear many different opinions on spanking. There are those who say you should never, under any circumstances, spank your child. There are others who say that old adage, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Do I think spanking is an answer to every problem? Nope! Do I think it's sometimes necessary? Absolutely. It depends on the situation, and the child. With Lilli, spanking usually makes things much, much worse, not better. So it's best to make her sit and let her scream till she realizes that the screaming isn't getting her anywhere. She's smart enough to figure this out most of the time, unless she gets so worked up she's just insensible.

I would have to say that the worst of the worst of bad parenting, aside from actual abuse, is rewarding bad behavior! Offering candy to quiet a child, offering a toy to shut them up in the store. When you reward bad behavior, it continues and compounds till you have a huge problem on your hands.

With my older daughter, obviously time outs and the like don't really work anymore. With her, I take away the things she loves. Her makeup, silly bands, time outside with her friends, tv. Some of that works with Lilli too in the short term, but it has a bigger impact on Kaia.

I guess the way I parent works for me. Most places I go with my kids, I often get complimented on how well behaved they are. Though they've embarrassed me plenty with bad behavior too. The hardest is when they get around another kid who behaves badly. Cause then it's like everything I've taught them flies right out of their heads!  But I'm a lucky, and blessed parent to have healthy children who make me proud with the way they are, most of the time ;)

I guess this blog is a bit rambly, so I hope it makes sense. I shouldn't blog this late at night huh? :)

But that's your sunrise opinion for this evening, have a good night!

Liberal versus conservative...where do you stand?

For a really long time, I didn't have much of a political opinion. Whenever someone talked politics, I would groan and either change the subject, or drift away. I really considered most of it above my head to be honest. And truthfully? A lot of it still is. But I have realized that I have an opinion. I've also come to realize that I'd prefer to vocalize it, than remain silent.

So I bet you're asking yourself...Dawn, what is your opinon? :)

I'm a bit of an odd mix, I don't feel like I follow any one political view. I do lean more heavily toward liberalism, and I'm bordering on, wait for it...socialism! *gasp!*  I have some conservative values, and would not like to see some of my countries more conservative ways go the way of the dinosaur. I've visited Britain, numerous times, and am always shocked at the skin magazines you find at eye level in gas station convenience stores, and yes, even grocery stores!

But I think that our country has become a dinosaur in comparison to many other places in the world. A small, narrow worldview is choking the life out of America. Restricted immigration, while good in some senses, has also created this insular society who can't see beyond the noses on their faces.

I know this because I was once one of those people. Life didn't exist for me outside my small sphere of living. My job, my family, my local relationships. I was, at one time, a fiercely patriotic American. I still support our troops, though I do not support the war. But I used to believe the "American Way" was the best and only way to live. It took traveling internationally to open my eyes to what we're missing out on. It took being married to a citizen of another country to show me that things can work and people can be happy even when a country is run in a way different to ours. Talk about a wake up call.

People around here treat the word socialist like it's a curse word. They call our president a socialist with disdain. They believe government should have a limited role in people's lives and should just leave us to shift for ourselves. Really? But these same people call out the government when they need help, like more unemployment because they can't find a job, and help in natural disasters. And woe to the government when they don't respond quickly enough to help you out. Or even worse, curse them as they help you! That's a novel idea and really mature!

The way employees are treated, because business don't have any government regulation whatsoever! We're driven like slaves for low pay, little vacation time and are working in a corporate environment ruled by fear. They load so much work onto you and expect you to do it. And you kills yourself trying to, because you tell yourself you're lucky to have a job and you know it will be almost impossible to find another one in this recession. The recession that was cause by greedy banks preying on financially illiterate consumers. 

I'm tired of the "fend for yourself" attitude of American's. They think that anyone can make it if they work hard enough and if you don't make it, well, you're just lazy, and maybe stupid. Leave your fellow man in the dust and step on his face for good measure just so you can get to the top. No, not everyone is like that, but enough people are like that, that those are the kinds of idiots they vote into our government, so things WILL NEVER CHANGE!!

Also the intolerance of other  people, cultures, and religion. One would like to think we left that behind with the civil rights era. But all that's happened is hatred and loathing once reserved mostly for blacks is now transferred to our new big fear...Muslims. What those that destroyed the World Trade Center did was a horrible thing. But you cannot condemn all Muslims for the act of a few. That's like condemning all American's for killing the native people of this land, or condemning all Japanese for the bombing of Pearl Harbor. It doesn't make sense, and yet, people still do.

I guess I just wish that my fellow American's would open their eyes and see that there is more to the world than what they come into contact with every day. That they would stop letting sensationalized media fill their brains with garbage and make an effort to find out facts. If you differ in opinion from me, and can find proven facts to tell me why I'm wrong, then I'll listen. But if you give me only a load of garbage you've heard from Fox news or Glenn Beck, you can take it back where you got it from. I don't want to hear it.

I don't know that much of this makes sense. It's late but I wanted to get something up on here that was about more than makeup or trivial interests. Because we all need to take a serious look at our country and try to help fix what is wrong. Because one of the great things about this country is that we have the power to do that!

So that's your late night, sunrise opinion for today, happy reading...

Dawn

Makeup Review: Maybelline Eyestudio gel eyeliner

Hello again! Did you miss me? :)

Tonight I bought a product I've been dying to try! I was introduced to gel eyeliners about a year ago through watching make up guru folks on you tube. Since then I've developed an intense interest in all things makeup and follow quite of few of them on you tube and watch their videos regularly to learn all sorts of tips and tricks. 

I'm broke, so I can't afford to buy expensive professional products from companies like MAC or Sephora. I have splurged on things from Urban Decay and Coastal Scents makeup is a great alternative to get some high end quality without the high end prices. But I do still use many drug store products and have learned that even the pros prefer some drugstore products over some professional ones, which makes me feel better :)

So all that said, I do like my Coastal Scents gel eyeliner for the most part. Some of them are are really creamy with good color pay out. But I was very disappointed with the black. I've gotten two of them and both were so dry or dried out so quickly the product became unusable. My only thought is maybe whatever they used to color it with did not balance with the medium it was in and dried it out.

So recently I've been seeing ads for the Maybelline product and even got a two dollar coupon. Then, lo and behold they went on sale at Wal-mart. So between the sale price and the coupon I got it for less than five dollars.

I got it in blackest black, though there are many other colors available. Brown, eggplant, charcoal, that sort of thing. It comes with a small application brush, which is very nice. It's got a nice point to it, and it's very soft. It's a little big for eyeliner, so only use the brush that comes with it if you like a nice thick line. I have an angled liner brush and will use that when I want a more precise line, but the brush it comes with works nice.

I really love the texture of the product. It's very smooth and creamy, it reminds me a little of Urban Decay 24/7 eye pencil without the pencil :)

I tried it out on my bare eye, so I've not used it with shadow yet, but I liked how it applied and once it dries it doesn't budge! I just rubbed my finger on it and it's going nowhere! So that is another nice benefit of the product.

I was a little concerned when I first saw the packaging, it looks like there is barely anything in there! But the product is mostly in the neck of the jar while the bottom is solid glass.

Overall I think it's worth buying and a good alternative to more expensive brands if you don't have the money to spend on top of the line makeup. It does the job and holds it's own.

And that's your sunrise opinion for today :)

New beginnings...

Hello to all who may read this. That really may not be many, truth be told, but one can always hope. It's possible someone might read my ramblings and think it utter nonsense. It's also possible that someone's  heart or mind might be touched by what they read here, and that would be really nice :) But, in any case, I haven't blogged since my myspace days and have discovered that I miss it.

The title of my blog is a play on my name. My name is Dawn; which, as you know, also denotes the sunrise. I have a wide array of interests. Current affairs, religion, justice, makeup, kids, romance and many, many other things. So this blog will be a very eclectic mix of all kinds of topics. Feel free to read the posts that speak to you and ignore the ones that don't. It won't bother me in the slightest :)  I'll try and keep topics separate, for instance, I won't talk about religion if a post is about makeup, and so forth.

So welcome to my little space on the web. It's a bit bare at the moment until I figure out how this blogspot thing works, but once I get the hang of it I'm sure I'll have all sorts of little gadgets and surprises around every turn. You never know what you might find...