Why?

If it makes me sick to my stomach, then why do I do it?

I've lost forty pounds since May 5th. It hasn't been an easy road, and at the moment it almost seems like it's getting harder. Well, who am I kidding? It is getting harder. The problem is that I don't understand why, at this point, I'm all of a sudden struggling so badly.

I sort of still watch my calories. I know what portions I can eat and what foods are good and not good for me. I know a lot of things I've learned from various different sources. But I've fallen back into my old binge eating routine. Not in anyway as bad as I used to be, when I would sit down and devour something like 2000 calories of burger king or McDonald's in one sitting. No, this is more insidious. I do well all day, then nighttime hits. Instead of exercising or finding something else to do, I eat. Not a huge amount all at once. It starts with a little too much at dinner, then I find myself gobbling leftovers if there are any. Then I find myself looking for any kind of snack to stuff my face with mindlessly. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for it. And I can't seem to stop myself. The guilt and the shame keep coming back. I promise myself, and my husband, that I won't do it again. But that seems to only last a few days and then I find myself there again.

I've lost the motivation to exercise. Even at my heaviest, the exercise was the easiest part! I would just get up and do it and now the mere thought of doing it freezes me in my chair. Why?

I suppose some of it is stress. Work is very stressful now that I've had extra duties thrust upon me. I don't like them, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with everything. Where work used to be fairly easy going, it's now stressful, hectic and exhausting. Not that I'm afraid of hard work, but it's fear that I face now every day when I go in. Fear that I'm expendable. That if I don't kill myself to do the job they'll knock down my hours or just fire me altogether. The fear and the environment are what is getting to me right now, not the workload, though that sucks too. I also wasn't properly trained on the job I was asked to take over. It wasn't done fairly to the person whose duties I took over. I had considered her a friend, and in her anger over what happened she was very hurtful toward me. I felt helpless. On the one hand I understood her anger, on the other, I felt hurt because I had nothing to do with what happened, but she was taking it out on me.

I'm also doing work that is outside my comfort zone. I'm no accountant, as my other co-worker will happily tell you. She herself is highly organized and has worked in accounting for nearly 20 years. She knows it all and is competent to an extreme level. Me, well, my skills lie in other areas. I'm great with customers, and the phone. And I've done a good job at whittling my main job down into efficient tasks that take half the time they took my predecessor to do. Which is probably why they thought I needed more work to do! My new job includes billing and I hate it. I really, truly can't stand it. I never even took accounting in school!

I just feel like motivation is leeching right out of me. I don't want to do anything when I come home, I get cross with the kids easily. The only thing that's going right at all is my relationship with my husband, which is rock solid as always. He's so wonderful and supportive and encouraging. And that adds another dimension to my guilt, the thought that I'll disappoint him. When I was really heavy he worried terribly about my health and I hated worrying him. It was one of my biggest motivations for losing weight in the beginning.  I just feel so derailed at the moment!

I don't even want to talk to people on the phone. My Mom called tonight to wish my daughter a happy birthday, and after I just made an excuse to get off the phone. Aside from my husband there isn't anyone at the moment I want to talk to. :(

I guess the good thing is that day after day I still try to do good during the day. I just have to find a way to get back that balance and confidence I had before. I don't have the time or money to take an exercise class, which would be ideal. But there aren't enough hours in the day for that sort of thing, not to mention the cost.

It feels good to be blogging again, and getting some of this stuff off my chest. I've had people tell me I've inspired them with my weight loss, but I just feel like a fraud at the moment, going back to my old ways.

Sometimes I wish Bob Harper or Jillian Michaels would show up on my doorstep and encourage me. My favorite show in the whole world, The Biggest Loser, is starting next week. I'm praying, hoping and praying that it will help to motivate me as it's done in the past. The Biggest loser is what started me on this adventure, and perhaps with the help of my husband, and the Biggest Loser, I can get back on track.

Here's to hoping and that's your sunrise commentary for this evening.

Dawn