Hello all,
Today I thought I would address the issue of parenting. If there are, by chance, any random people out there reading this blog, I am the mother of two little girls. Also one little boy who went to live in heaven several years ago. I don't, in anyway, claim to be a perfect parent. What works, and doesn't work, for me may work wonders or not at all for another parent. All kids, and all parents are different. So let me start by saying that I'm not criticizing the way others parent. But I will address parenting that I think is good and techniques that I don't like so much based on the behavior of children I've observed who are parented in various ways.
So the biggest lesson I've learned as a parent, and the thing I still most struggle with, is consistency. Children can spot a wishy-washy adult from a mile away. Like a shark smelling blood in the water, they'll pounce if they think an adult can't, or won't stand up to them. That sounds odd doesn't it? To think of standing up to a child. It's a child! But I've seen grown adults who wouldn't back down from a 6'3" 300lb guy, shrink in the face of blue eyes and blond ringlets. It's the cute factor, works every time :)
My kids, for the most part, understand that Mommy means business. Does that mean my four year old never throws tantrums? Of course not! She had a very vocal one in Aldi's once. We were only stopping for a gallon of milk, but she wanted to sit in the cart. I was good and didn't cave on that, but it meant I had to listen to ear-vibrating yells the entire time in the store, and until we got to the car. I wanted to die with mortification. But we got through it. There are times when I do give in. When it's easier to give her a popsicle close to bedtime, or let her stay up an extra half an hour to watch tv because I'm tired and don't want to fight.
Lately I've been a lot tougher though. Lilli is one headstrong little girl and I found that, because she was my baby, I was favoring her over my 7 year old daughter and giving her her way more often, but still being tough on Kaia. My husband pointed out to me how very unfair that was. So these days, at home at least, if Lilli goes into one of her fits, she has to sit on her bed. Which she HATES! :) Which is why it works so well. She's very quickly learning that the less amount of time that she cries or screams the sooner she gets to go back to what she was doing. Tonight I had to pick her up, screaming and kicking, and deposit her in her bed. No teeth brushing, no potty, just right in the bed. She screamed for a bit, but then she calmed down and wanted hugs and kisses and went potty and we sang a song. It was a sweet, snuggly time, that could have been miserable otherwise. But she is learning that what Mom says, goes. Whether she likes it or not. Consistency doesn't come easily to me, but I'm trying really hard and making a conscious effort to do it.
Now, I know, that some kids can't help bad behavior no matter how good their parents are. With things like ADD and ADHD and various other things, kids will be bad, no matter how well they're parented. But there are times, when I see parents interact with their children, that I want to go over and smack the other parent upside their head!
One problem occurs when you have a child with a very strong personality, and a parent who has a very docile, quiet, shy personality. So often the child ends up ruling the house and everyone in it. I've seen one parent, say no to their little girl, but she pesters so strongly that Mom gives in, every, single time. Lately, she only has to pester for a few seconds and Mom gives in, just to shut her up. I see defeat in her parenting stance, which the child takes full advantage of. The child tries this with other adults as well, with varying degrees of success. Dad is a little more firm than Mom, but the behaviors learned from dealing with Mom are so ingrained that even he gives up in frustration after a while. It's easier to give in and have peace, then stand firm and deal with the consequences.
What's worse is when parents recognize their children behave badly, but do nothing to fix the problem. I think sometimes parents like this have tried everything only to have it not work and have now just given up. They'll make token attempts to stop the worst of the behavior, but mostly they focus on whatever their doing and leave their kids to pester, annoy and disturb other people.
Then you have the ones that don't parent all. They just don't care how their children behave. When little Johnnie or Suzie hurts a peer, you might even see this parent smirk, as if it's a funny joke, and then go back to their conversation. This, I believe, is where child bully's most often come from.
Then you have the issue of spanking. I do spank my kids. It's always only as a last resort, and never done in anger. But sometimes there just has to be something to surprise and shock them out of the behavior they are indulging in. You'll hear many different opinions on spanking. There are those who say you should never, under any circumstances, spank your child. There are others who say that old adage, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Do I think spanking is an answer to every problem? Nope! Do I think it's sometimes necessary? Absolutely. It depends on the situation, and the child. With Lilli, spanking usually makes things much, much worse, not better. So it's best to make her sit and let her scream till she realizes that the screaming isn't getting her anywhere. She's smart enough to figure this out most of the time, unless she gets so worked up she's just insensible.
I would have to say that the worst of the worst of bad parenting, aside from actual abuse, is rewarding bad behavior! Offering candy to quiet a child, offering a toy to shut them up in the store. When you reward bad behavior, it continues and compounds till you have a huge problem on your hands.
With my older daughter, obviously time outs and the like don't really work anymore. With her, I take away the things she loves. Her makeup, silly bands, time outside with her friends, tv. Some of that works with Lilli too in the short term, but it has a bigger impact on Kaia.
I guess the way I parent works for me. Most places I go with my kids, I often get complimented on how well behaved they are. Though they've embarrassed me plenty with bad behavior too. The hardest is when they get around another kid who behaves badly. Cause then it's like everything I've taught them flies right out of their heads! But I'm a lucky, and blessed parent to have healthy children who make me proud with the way they are, most of the time ;)
I guess this blog is a bit rambly, so I hope it makes sense. I shouldn't blog this late at night huh? :)
But that's your sunrise opinion for this evening, have a good night!
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