Socialism and Me.

Hello all!

It's been some time since I blogged, and I've noticed that I only tend to blog when something comes up that I feel strongly about. Tonight I posted a Facebook status that caused a bit of discussion. My point with this post tonight is not to try and 'convert' anyone to my way of thinking. Frankly, I know that that's impossible. Instead, I just want to explain what I believe and why I believe it. You can choose to take it or leave it, but I don't plan on getting into any incendiary discussions over it. It's what I believe, simple as that.

My adventure began tonight because I was a bit bothered about being attacked by someone on Facebook who doesn't know me, doesn't know anything about my beliefs other than that I agree with Liberals, and who felt the need to tell me to "Open my eyes." When I vented about that, it caused some discussion  involving myself and my very liberal husband, and some extremely conservative friends and family.

A long time ago, I had a pretty small worldview. I believed the way many American's do and was somewhat on the conservative side. Then I did some traveling, visited other countries, and fell in love with a man from the UK. I learned that the "American Way" isn't all it's cracked up to be. I opened my eyes to social issues to see that many of my fellow American's are suffering and that a minority of very rich folk pay a lot of money to put people in office who keep it that way. My beliefs began to evolve and change as I looked around me and saw what was happening.

Before you say, "Well, your husband must have brain-washed you..." let me stop you right there. I have my own mind. All my husband did was help to open my eyes to what is there, and let me make my own decisions. That, and my own experiences as a member of the 'working poor'. Someone who worked very hard, but still needed to rely on welfare to survive. Yes, I admit that, and I'm not ashamed of it.

I have seen with my own eyes how socialism can work. Take the UK health service for example. My husband and I had to be apart for 4 years, and over that time period, particularly toward the end of our time apart, I saw my husband go through two major surgeries, both times he got six weeks off work with full pay (women on maternity leave get up to a year), as well as rehab for his shoulder, all free at point of service. Do people pay tax for it? Sure they do. He paid a decent portion of his wages in tax for medical, but that is no different than what we pay in insurance premiums. (and he didn't have to pay massive copays on top of it...) Anyone who works pays a fair amount, so that everyone benefits. They've developed a comprehensive system to eliminate wasteful spending, so that everyone can receive care. Not once did my husband have to wait an unreasonable amount of time for care, as so many people wrongly think, and he was treated well and they took excellent care of him.

Are there horror stories? Yes, I'm sure there are. Any medical system that huge is going to have it's fair share, just like the medical practices here in the US. There are going to be people unhappy with their service. But they are a very small minority compared to those who are successfully treated and who don't have to go bankrupt paying for medical bills.

All of that is mandated by the government, and it actually works. Businesses don't collapse because of mandated sick time, disability time, etc. They don't collapse by government controlling what is allowed in marketing. They profit, very well, and their employees are happier and more productive because they know they are taken care of.

Let me copy and paste some info here on two types of Socialist government that seem to work pretty well for the countries involved:

In the UK, the Labour Party was influenced by the British social reformer William Beveridge, who had identified five "Giant Evils" afflicting the working class of the pre-war period: "want" (poverty), disease, "ignorance" (lack of access to education), "squalor" (poor housing), and "idleness" (unemployment).^[117] Unemployment benefits, national insurance and state pensions were introduced by the 1945 Labour government. Aneurin Bevan, who had introduced the Labour Party's National Health Service in 1948, criticised the Attlee government for not progressing further, demanding economic planning and criticising the implementation of nationalisation for not empowering the workers with democratic control of operations.

The UK Labour Government nationalised major public utilities such as mines, gas, coal, electricity, rail, iron, steel, and the Bank of England. British Petroleum, privatised in 1987, was officially nationalised in 1951,^[118] and there was further government intervention during the 1974–79 Labour Government^[119] Anthony Crosland said that in 1956, 25 per cent of British industry was nationalised, and that public employees, including those in nationalised industries, constituted a similar percentage of the country's total employed population.^[120] The Labour government, however, did not seek to end capitalism, and the "government had not the smallest intention of bringing in the 'common ownership of the means of production, distribution, and exchange'",^[121]Labour re-nationalised steel (1967, British Steel) after the Conservatives denationalised it, and nationalised car production (1976, British Leyland).^[122] In 1977, major aircraft companies and shipbuilding were nationalised.

The National Health Service provided taxpayer-funded health care to everyone, free at the point of service.^[123] Working-class housing was provided in council housing estates, and university education became available via a school grant system. Ellen Wilkinson, Minister for Education, introduced taxpayer-funded milk in schools, saying, in a 1946 Labour Party conference: "Free milk will be provided in Hoxton and Shoreditch, in Eton and Harrow. What more social equality can you have than that?" Clement Attlee's biographer argued that this policy "contributed enormously to the defeat of childhood illnesses resulting from bad diet. Generations of poor children grew up stronger and healthier, because of this one, small, and inexpensive act of generosity, by the Attlee government".^[124]

The "Nordic model"

Main article: Nordic model

The Nordic model refers to the economic and social models of the Nordic countries (Denmark, Iceland, Norway, Sweden and Finland). This particular adaptation of the mixed market economy is characterised by more generous welfare states (relative to other developed countries), which are aimed specifically at enhancing individual autonomy, ensuring the universal provision of basic human rights and stabilising the economy. It is distinguished from other welfare states with similar goals by its emphasis on maximising labour force participation, promoting gender equality, egalitarian and extensive benefit levels, large magnitude of redistribution, and liberal use of expansionary fiscal policy.^[125] This has included high degrees of labour union membership. In 2008, labour union density was 67.5% in Finland, 67.6% in Denmark, and 68.3% in Sweden. In comparison, union membership was 11.9% in the United States and 7.7% in France.^[126] The Nordic Model, however, is not a single model with specific components or rules; each of the Nordic countries has its own economic and social models, sometimes with large differences from its neighbours.

These governments and economies work. Perfectly? No, but they do work. And the people are happy for the most part.

A main motivation for me to believe in Socialism is the fact of it's inherent compassion. The belief that all people should have basic needs met and if they can't meet them themselves, then society should help them along. What is so repugnant about that? If I am doing well, then why shouldn't someone else be able to at least live?


Also, and this makes conservative Christians howl, Jesus was the ultimate Socialist. Don't believe me? Read the bible. There are tons of examples. 

Acts 4:32 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. 

Matthew 19:21 Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Matthew 9:35 Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. (NIV) 
Free health care anyone?

I'm sure that folks could find other verses that counteract these, but the very nature of the bible is contradictory. It's a reality that as Christians we choose what parts of the bible we believe, which is why women don't go around in braids and robes anymore, and we don't stone people for infidelity. 

I could go on and on, but those are some reasons that I find Socialism appealing. 

Are there people who abuse the system, both in our country and in Socialist countries? Yep! There will always be people like that. They are the way they are, but to me that doesn't make them 'undeserving'. Just sad, and they should be helped. 

I don't believe that everyone should just live off the government. I believe that as part of entitlement programs we should also focus on educating the unskilled so that if they are able to learn they can go on to get off benefits and find gainful employment and contribute. What is most important is breaking the cycle of poverty and giving people who are capable a hand up and helping those who simply cannot help themselves to at least have a basic quality of life. 

I know a lot of people will likely have counter arguments for what I've said here, but I feel strongly about what I believe and have not seen any evidence thus far in my own experience or in research to convince me that I should change what I believe. What I do know is that no system is perfect, and trying to reach for some sort of Utopia is impossible and absurd. I believe that a middle ground is what is needed, but I don't realistically seeing that happening in my lifetime. Perhaps in my children's or grandchildren's but not mine. 

For now I'm happy though to go on believing what I do and while I don't agree with many people, I will respect your right to believe as you will. Please respect my right to believe as I do. 

Thanks,

Dawn 

Compassion

Me and my nine year old daughter Kaia have something in common.

We both like Sardines...

Yes I know, not the bombshell you were expecting, but let me explain. Kaia asked me to buy Sardines while we were out shopping last night. This morning she wanted them for breakfast but I had already fixed her breakfast and suggested she take them to school for lunch.

Kaia was genuinely worried about the other kids thinking she was 'weird' for liking sardines. I sent them with her, but also a peanut butter sandwich, so she could make the most comfortable choice for herself. I sincerely hope she eats the sardines.

I have tried the entire time I've been a parent to instill in my children a high level of compassion and tolerance. To not fear the man in the wheelchair with the amputated leg, the little boy with scars on his face because he was burned in a fire, the person of a different race, culture, religion, or sexual orientation.

So it upsets me that my daughter should fear bringing an unusual food to school because she would be picked on for eating it. Shame on parents who cannot be bothered to teach their child compassion, yet would expect retribution to anyone who picked on THEIR child!

People need to wake up, look at the global melting pot society we ALL live in and learn to respect, try to understand and have compassion for all the unique, amazing people we have in this world.

So I will proudly eat my sardines, sushi, and anything else that anyone else thinks is gross, and I just won't care. I just hope I can teach my daughter to do the same!

Okay, off my soapbox now!

How I feel about Gay Rights

Hello all!

This started out to be a facebook status post, but after I started typing I realized that perhaps my blog, which I haven't written on in some time, would give me more room to express my thoughts on this particular topic.

My husband and I took our eleven year old daughter to the library today, and while browsing the 'new arrivals' section, I came across a book by a man named Paul Vitagliano called "Born This Way, Real Stories of Growing Up Gay." I was intrigued, and decided to pick it up and bring it home.

I just finished reading the book "Red Letter Christians" by Tony Campolo (A book I highly recommend, by the way) and gay rights issues were addressed in that book and very much in the forefront of my mind, as they are in the media these days and in the lead up to the presidential election to take place only next month.

Born This Way was fascinating to me. It included snapshots of gay individuals as children, from the ages of  1 or 2 to as old as 13-15. Included with the snapshots were very short stories, sometimes only a collection of a few sentences or even just one sentence, that summed up for the person in the photograph what it had been like to 'grow up gay'. The stories were laid out in chronological order, spanning decades from the 1950's all the way to the 2000's. It included people we know now as celebrities, as well as regular, every day folks. There were both gay men, and lesbian women.

Some of the stories were heartwarming, others heartbreaking. Some had supportive and loving families who accepted them no matter what their orientation, and others spoke of being 'disowned' by their relatives, or having their gayness simply 'swept under the rug' and not talked about, as if not talking about it made it untrue.

One of the phrases I found most interesting in the book, was when these folks talked about "coming out to themselves" before coming out to friends and family. Admitting to themselves that they were gay, that they were different than most people, was often just as much if not more of a struggle than telling their loved ones, who almost always suspected or knew before the person came out to them.

So one gets to thinking about what kind of society we live in, where someone has to be afraid to admit, even to themselves, that they are gay.

I'm as straight as it gets, perfectly in love with my husband. I'm also a Christian, and very involved in my church. For most of my life, I never thought about gay rights, or even really knew any gay people. I just didn't live in a place where I came into contact with it. As I got older, and I started learning a little more about the world, I don't ever remember feeling anything negative about gay people, even once I became a Christian and starting attending church regularly. And I went to a baptist church where homosexuality is considered a terrible sin. I remember thinking, when I would hear people condemn it, "What is so bad about loving, and wanting to be loved, even by someone of the same gender?"

I've heard the arguments for why the bible says its wrong. And we all pick and choose which parts of the bible we ascribe to, (I don't wear robes and braid my hair after all) and the thing that I keep coming back to is that Jesus told us the greatest commandment was to Love. Love your enemies, show mercy. All of us are God's children, and should be treated as brothers and sisters. Jesus loved everyone the same, and we should too. I've always been a 'love everybody' kind of person, and try to always find the good in people.

My husband and I had a great discussion about what makes someone gay, and he asked me what a good argument would be against someone who tried to classify being gay as a mental illness. My own argument would be that mental illness is, to me, defined as something that harms either the individual, or others around them or both. Gayness doesn't harm anyone.

The human brain and systems are far more complex that any of us could ever begin to understand. The sheer number of people who identify as gay, for me, makes it seem that it is a born trait no different than having naturally curly hair or being left handed. It's simply a genetic reality, not a disorder and certainly not a choice. Genetics are responsible for so many different combinations of how we operate as human beings. Does it not then make sense to assume that being gay is simply another one of those genetic traits that occur?

I had the wonderful privilege of getting to work for a few months with a young man who is gay and out and proud of it. I'll never forget the day he and I discussed 'levels of gayness' and he said on a scale of one meaning you are a 'little gay' and 10 your 'pooping rainbows' he's about a 15 :) He is a great young man and to my mind very brave to come and live and work in an area that is very religiously and socially conservative and just be who he is. He is a sweetheart and if he reads this I just want to say "Nick, thank you for being a small part of my life and I admire you more than you know." (I also miss chatting about fashion and project runway with you!!)

So I guess my point to all this is that gay people are just...people. No different than you or me and who should be afforded the sames rights we all enjoy by virtue of being heterosexual. Do I think that churches who don't agree should be forced to accept gay marriage? No, we do have freedom of religion in this country and if they want to be intolerant then fine, though I will try to persuade them with just arguments. But if we are supposed to have separation of church and state in this country, then I say that conservative church views on homosexuality should stay out of whether they are granted the ability to marry and enjoy things that I get to enjoy as a married person. I don't ever have to worry about someone denying me access to my husband if he's in hospital, or denying me coverage on his health insurance policy, or deny allowing us to adopt a child, simply because we're straight. Gay people should have those same rights.

So think about those things, when you go to vote in a few weeks. Think about what the candidates views are on these issues. Even if you disagree with me, go out and voice it by voting, and not standing silent.

And to anyone out there who is gay, or who may be struggling with coming out as gay, I love you, and Jesus loves you, just as you are. Be who you are, and lets work together to teach our fellow man some tolerance and hope that in our grandchildren's day this gay rights argument will just be another entry in a history book, like the civil rights movement of the 1960's.

Thanks,

Dawn

Fifty shades of amazing!

Hello faithful readers!

Well, those of you who might actually read this. It's been nearly a year since I last blogged, but I read something recently that compelled me to write something much longer than the average facebook post, so this seemed like the best place to do it :)

So, anyhow, I just finished the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" by British author E. L. James. There are two other books in the series, and I've already started the second one. The books have caused quite a sensation, and mention of them is all over the internet. I admit, when I read that they began as "Twilight" fan fiction, I was unsure what all the fuss was about. I borrowed the first "Twilight" book from a friend, and I couldn't get past the first five or so pages, the writing was so contrite, and really downright horrid. So I had no desire, at first, to read something spawned of that drivel. But friends and family were raving about "Fifty Shades" on facebook and I became intrigued. I downloaded a sample on my kindle and began to read, and by the time I got to the end of my sample, I was hungry for more.

****************SPOILER ALERT***************'

So what is all the fuss about? The books have taken Erotica and BDSM style sex to the mainstream masses. I'm  a complete romance junkie, normally of the British, period variety, Victorian era or Georgian. So I was amazed when I found myself hooked on a modern, erotic romance. But hooked I am and only the desire to write this blog post is keeping me from picking it back up to read some more.

I've read several articles about the books, and also unearthed a spoiler today from book three :( But it is interesting to see all the different comments on the books. The reviews I saw on Amazon were terrible, many people who made fun of the books, the writing, the story, etc. So what is making it so appealing to so many if there are that many that have read and then disliked it?

I've read a lot in my time, from romance, to epic fantasy, to mystery to horror. I've always had pretty eclectic tastes. So I will remark that the writing isn't the best I've seen but it isn't the worst either. *cough*Twilight*cough* There are even some quirks that people seem to complain about that I liked. I enjoyed the email exchanges between the main characters, right down to showing the actual email format. That is how many of us communicate these days, so why not? It brings reality and a relatable quality to the story. The emails are witty, fun and give excellent insight into the characters. There are things that are easier for us to say when typing from behind a computer screen and I think those exchanges free the characters to show us something deeper about themselves.

Some folks complain about the constant inner dialogue of the heroine, calling it 'tortuous'. I liked it, because again, it gives you an insight into what she's thinking. Who wants only action in a story? I like hearing about the thoughts and fears of a character.

Yet another trait, and one which I noticed because I am married to a British man, is the smattering of British vernacular in the language of what should be a complete American character. Most people aren't going to notice it, because most people have no idea how British people talk. So what's the big deal? Books don't have to be 100% accurate to be enjoyable.

Of course, the thing that people want to talk most about is the kinky sex. Oh My! lol, really, we're all adults here people. What I read in that first book, is mild compared to what can be found on the internet with a simple search. Not that I look up that kind of thing, but I've stumbled across it and there is some scary stuff out there. Christian Grey's 'Red Room of Pain' so dubbed by Miss Steele, is mild compared to what is out there.

But when you read the books, the tortured past of the hero, and the heroines valiant effort to bring him from the dark to the light, is what stands out to me far more than the sex. Do I enjoy the sex scenes? Yep! I'm not a nun! ;) But what I look forward to most is the interaction between the main characters, the arguments, the deep discussions, the slow and agonizing process of drawing the demons out of Christian. The love. I'm a hopelessly incurable romantic. And I'm a sucker for a good love story. And this is a good love story. There are many ways of falling in love, both the long, slow, getting to know one another process, and the hard, fast, head over heels crazy falling in love. Both have validity, and both are equally interesting to me.

So I guess my point is this, don't go into reading these books, if you choose to do so, with a preconceived notion of what to expect. I started reading it expecting it to be all sex and no substance, but boy was I wrong! I also never believe reviews until I've read or seen something myself. I know what I like, and I'll make my own decisions, thank you very much. I don't need the masses, or worse yet, the critics to tell me what I should and shouldn't like.

If you've read the books you're probably smiling and nodding your head right now, if you haven't, I'm sorry if I spoiled anything for you, but I did warn you! Not my fault if you kept reading ;)

Well it's late folks, and I think I had better get off to bed. Please feel free to comment here or on my facebook page (I'm more likely to see it on facebook) and start a discussion. I'm very curious to see what my fellow Grey fans think as well. Who can't wait for the movie? Me!! :)

Goodnight folks!

Letting go...

Hello, to anyone who might actually read this. I don't know if anyone will, but I had sort of a break through type of moment tonight that I wanted to share.

You see, last weekend, my grandmother died. It's been nearly two years since I had seen her, and before that, I'd gone three years since I'd been home. So it's not as if I was particularly close to her, not in the way that much of the rest of my family was. But let me go even further back.

For pretty much all of my life, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I still feel like that sometimes, though I'm learning to embrace who I am whether people like me or not. But I really have felt like an outcast most of my life.

This feeling was always particularly acute with my mother's family. I know some of them may read this, and I hope that no feelings get hurt, because that isn't my intent, I'm just trying to explain how I came about this revelation tonight. My Mom has always kind of been the black sheep of the family, and I think they all always just accepted that Kathy was the way she was and wasn't going to change. But as a result, I just never felt quite right around my Mom's family. I didn't feel like my cousins, several of whom were a year or more older than me, really wanted much to do with me. They were all beautiful, popular, vivacious young women and I looked up to them so much. But I felt sort of like that cousin who you tolerate because they're family, but are glad when they've gone. Now I'm sure, having grown up and thought about it some, that they never intended to make me feel that way. But that is the way that I felt.

These feelings continued up through my adult life. I often sat quiet at the occasional family gatherings we attended, and would often have almost no one speak to me. I felt so alone in a big room full of people. And my Mom's family are bright, and happy, and fun people. But I felt like such an outcast. And for years, I blamed them.

Sounds horrible doesn't it? But the mind of a teenager and young adult is often a confused one. And I couldn't imagine that it was anything to do with me. It must have been them. Otherwise there must be something 'wrong' with me that made me unlikable. And that was even harder to face.

One experience that happened to me, was after I was all grown up and living out of the apartment attached to my Nan's house. I went with my Nan to a family gathering, at Easter or Thanksgiving, I'm not sure which. I had two cousins who were both pregnant at the time, and I won't name names. But I arrived with Nan and one of those cousins. The other cousin who was pregnant came out on the porch, walked around me as if I weren't there, to make a big fuss about our other pregnant cousin.

I then sat through a gathering in which  I was ignored by nearly everyone else in attendance. A few people spoke to me, but really, I felt entirely alone. When I went home I cried on my future husband/ex-husbands shoulder and vowed never to put myself through that sort of torture again. It wasn't worth it, I said, to be around people who couldn't even be bothered to give me the time of day, or who didn't want to try to get to know me.

Fast forward many years now. I've been married, had three kids, divorced, remarried and life is moving on. I've changed a lot over the years. When I was young I was so painfully shy. I've also had a pretty wicked inferiority complex most of my life. I've grown and changed and learned about myself. The people who know me now, in my little town in rural Indiana, can't reconcile the shy person I tell them I used to be, with the woman that they now know and love. I've had people tell me flat out, "You, shy? I just wouldn't believe it for a minute!"

And now, enter face book into the picture. My husband introduced me to it, right around the time I was also going through a myspace addiction. Facebook kind of hung around in the background for a while, but I've watched over the last couple years as it's just exploded. Everyone has a facebook now. Even my Grandma Eleanor, my Mom's step-mom, who must be in her eighties by now! She's got a facebook!

So I've had a facebook account for a while, but it's only in the last year, probably more like the last six months or so, that I've begun 'friending' my family. Both from my step-dad's side, and from my Mom's side. I'm friends on facebook now with most of my Aunts and Uncle's, several cousins. People who, even when I lived in PA, I had little contact with, and once I lived in Indiana, absolutely none at all.

But now, we have a window into each others lives. I see pictures of their kids, and their gatherings with our other family members, and I miss them. These people who I never gave myself the chance to get to know because I felt like such an undesirable person. I truly MISS them.

We 'like' and comment on each others status and pictures. Thanks to facebook I felt like I was present for my Nan's passing, even though I was 600 miles away in Indiana, because of reading all their facebook status updates. People in my family who I haven't spoken to in so long, we now tell each other 'love you more' which is what I'm learning was my Nan's signature phrase, all the time.

But it was tonight, when I asked for the recipe for my Nan's famous fudge and one my cousins said to me, "anything for you cousin" that I finally felt that wall just fall down. That high and impenetrable wall that I put up to deal with all the hurt and pain of a childhood with alcoholic and drug addicted parents, it just came tumblin down like that fabled wall of Jericho.

It was that wall, that bloody wall, that made me feel like an outcast. Not my family. People who I'm starting to see bits of in myself through their humor, their laughter, their compassion, their strength. I'm beginning to see those things in myself and realize that I really was a part of that family all along, I just wouldn't let myself be. It wasn't their fault that I felt like an outcast. It was just that I didn't love or even like myself enough to allow them into my inner sanctum, because I was too afraid of getting hurt. And as a result, I only caused myself unnecessary hurt and grief.

So if any of you are reading this now, let me say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never got to know you better and that I never gave you the chance to know me. I'm sorry for harboring these bitter feelings all my life, and it feels so damn good, even though I'm sitting here crying like a baby with a red  nose and puffy eyes, to finally feel free of all these negative feelings I've left tucked away for so long.

I want to get to know you. I want to be part of each others lives. I want to share experiences with and know my family. People who I share a heritage with that I really know very little about. And I want to tell you, "I love you more..."

How things are going

Hello all!

It's been forever since I did a blog! I promised myself that I would keep up with it after I started it, but as is the usual course of things for me I started something and didn't keep up with it. That is pretty much the story of my life, except for one little, well, not so little thing. My weight loss! :)

So I began this journey on May 5th, 2010. It has, honestly, been a roller coaster ride. I've had some really good weeks, and some really low points and some spots where I hit a bump or just plain stalled. The biggest thing I've learned is weight loss is NOT EASY! ANYONE who tries to tell you that weight loss can be easy is a BIG FAT LIAR!!!! Okay, I'll stop yelling now ;)

But honestly, that is the truth. It's not easy, no matter how you do it. My hard work has really started to pay off in the recognition that I'm getting from people. People I don't see often, former co-workers, church members that maybe I don't interact with that much on Sunday's. People from face book and twitter that I speak with. People are taking notice of what I've done and the most astonishing question I get is..."So how are you doing it?" I think anyone who loses a lot of weight gets asked that question. The funniest thing is people's reaction when I say in return "Calories and exercise, that's it." Because it's like they're searching for this magical formula and since I've visibly lost weight they want to know the secret I've discovered. It's only the secret that nutritionists, and trainers and doctors and health experts have been trying to drill into our heads for years and years.

I was talking to my Mom the other day about my weight loss. And about my relationship that I have with my husband as opposed to the one I had with my ex. The other big thing that I've learned about weight loss is that you have to be ready. That means a lot of different things to different people. When I met my husband I was at about the lowest point a person can get in their life. And struggling through this separation we've had to deal with has been really hard. He is worth every second, but it's been difficult to be apart from the one person in this world that you know God made just for you. I've slowly begun to change, to go back to who I used to be before my bad marriage. In the light of Kevin's love I've been blossoming, and growing and learning about myself and the world and about how love, true love, can change you and make you better than you were alone.

But after Kevin left to go back to England after Christmas last year, I sunk lower than I ever have. The despair was palpable. And I tried to drown it out with food. I spent nearly two hundred dollars eating out in a month, all on myself. I tried to hide away from the world. I didn't want anything to do with anyone. Church, my kids, work. Kevin was the only thing I was anchored to solidly at that time and it hurt to see the pain in his face as he watched me grow larger and larger. The one other thing I had besides Kevin was the Easter musical. It brought me closer to the my savior than I ever felt before. Like I was a part of his story. I felt his pain as he was hung on the cross. The despair of his followers at his death as we mourned him from below, clinging to each other like sailors on a storm tossed sea. And the jubilation that he returned, that he came back for us, because he will bring us to the kingdom of heaven someday. :)

But when I watched that life changing episode of the biggest loser, everything changed. It was like a light came on, and though it has dimmed occasionally in the months since, it's never gone out again. The point of all that is to say this, if I could give you any single piece of weight loss advice, it would be that you have to be ready mentally and emotionally for the battle. Because a battle it is. YOU are fighting for your life. Your weight is a matter of LIFE or DEATH! You may not believe it, but it's true. You cannot be obese and be healthy. And while being overweight might not be too horrible in the short term, it's only going to set you up for worse things in the long term if you don't work on it now. It's a whole lot easier to drop 30 pounds than it is to drop 130. I've lost almost 55 pounds to date and every pound has been hard fought. It comes off slowly, sometimes a lot slower than I would like. But the point is, it's coming off.

As American's in this fast-paced society we live in, we need to toss out the instant gratification mind set we've been taught is okay. We need to slow down and focus on what is important in life. Our God, our families, our health. Those are the things that are important.

Life is stressful sometimes, my job is stressful most of the time, my kids stress me out occasionally (okay, that might be a little fib, but don't tell them I said that) ;) but you just have to find a way  to look past all that and change your attitude.

One of my favorite people in the whole world, after my husband of course, is make up artist Kandee Johnson. She recently said in one of her blog posts, that your attitude determines the alititude of your happiness. She's right. It's about attitude and it's about choice. CHOOSE to be happy. CHOOSE to be positive, CHOOSE to make a change for the better. CHOOSE what you want from life and God will give it to you if you work hard enough! I've been in a mood for inspirational quotes lately, so those of you that follow me on facebook will notice those have been popping up in my status recently. I feel the need to inspire and motivate and see people be as happy as I am. :) I want to make a difference to people and as they've said on the Biggest Loser this season, I want to pay it forward.

So I'm challenging you. WHAT can you DO to change your life, right now? Send me a comment, here or on facebook and tell me about one positive change you'll make in your life TODAY! One, that's all. Baby steps, they'll take you anywhere that big steps will, you just need more of them.

Love you all and have a great night!

Dawn

Tonight I made history...

Okay! Hello my sunny followers, or follower, as the case may be!

I'm sorry for that mopey, miserable, feeling sorry for myself blog post I did recently! Lordy me who was on the pity train that day?!? I was!! Sometimes it's really hard, when you get off track, to focus on what you've already succeeded. You lose sight of what you've already done, because the seemingly insurmountable is there before you.

I've lost 43 pounds at last count. That means I have a little over 60 to go till I reach my initial goal weight. I say initial goal weight because I've set what I believe to be a realistic goal of losing 104.6 pounds. I weighed in, on May 5th 2010 at 274.6 pounds. That is the heaviest I've ever been, except when I was pregnant with my son and that doesn't count cause it was mostly fluid and him, he was a big baby!! So I've set the goal to be 170 pounds. At that point, I will evaluate how I'm doing and how much extra fat I'm carrying as opposed to how much muscle I've gained and see if I need to lose anymore. According to the BMI scale I should be 130 but seriously?! I don't WANT to be that weight! And getting there and keeping myself there would be a nightmare. What I want is a mostly flat tummy, a bottom I can be proud of in jeans, and to feel fit and healthy so I can run around and play with my kids without getting exhausted. I want to be able to wear fashionable clothes and high heel shoes. Some of those are silly dreams maybe, but they're mine.

So tonight was the big night, premiere of the best show on earth, The Biggest Loser!! I've watched it for years, and for years, like many of the actual contestants I did so while eating Burger King and McDonald's and ice cream and cake. But something in season nine just 'clicked' for me. One particular episode had a big impact on me and it was that next day, May 5th 2010 that I began this journey. I began eating healthy and exercising. And weight began coming off.

I've had a rough couple of weeks, well, a rough several weeks. But I'm starting to turn it around and get back on track. No more feeling sorry for myself and I feel like now that I've got my show I just can't lose. The show is so motivating for me and really makes me feel like I can do it, no matter what.

Tonight's show was so emotional. I don't know if I like what they did this year. They went to seven cities and 3 people in each city had to take a challenge. Either running a mile, or doing five hundred step ups. The first two to complete it got to go to the biggest loser ranch. The third was eliminated. I was upset that they didn't tell the contestants, it was a surprise at the time. Which is par for the course with the show. It was so hard because each of them had compelling stories and deserved so much for a second chance at life. But seven people had to have their hopes and dreams dashed. A few even collapsed from the physical toll the challenge took on their already taxed, obese bodies. It was heartbreaking and I shed a lot of tears.

After the first couple challenges, I thought to myself, "I haven't worked out yet today." I had a session meeting tonight and usually they run really late. But I got home at a decent time, got the girls to bed and was watching my show. I got to thinking that I wanted to find out how it felt to do five hundred step ups. I looked around the house for something I could use and finally settled on a stack of books. That was, I admit, a little dangerous. They could have slid and toppled me at any time. But I was careful. I wasn't competing against anyone, like the folks on the show. So I took my time, made sure the books stayed lined up and fixed them when I needed to, and just took it one step at a time. It took me a while, I didn't watch the time so I'm not sure. But the numbers I counted got bigger and bigger, till 500 was only 50 away. I felt this huge smile break out on my face as I continued to step. 451...452...453...and so on. When I reached 500, I surprised myself. I burst into tears and cried like baby. :) *looks sheepish* And did so a few times afterward as I sat on the couch watching the rest and drinking ice cold water. It just felt so...liberating! Amazing! and just damn good!! I would not have been able to do that five months ago. The changes that have happened to me in that time are just astonishing!

So the good news about The Biggest Loser is that the eliminated contestants will get a second chance at some point. Which is really good news. It broke my heart to see their sadness and tears. But I know something now that I didn't know a while back. I know, that it CAN be done at home. That with hard work and perseverance you can overcome anything. It isn't easy, and never will be. There will be times when you stumble and fall and feel like you don't want to get up. But YOU CAN!!! You can get up and keep going even when you think you've given everything you had left!

I feel so proud of my 500 steps. I feel so...it's hard to even put it into words! I feel like I want to do it again, every night! Well, maybe not every night, but it's something I'd like to add to my work out plan. I don't really have much of a plan but I have a variety of resources so I don't get bored with any one thing :)

A goal I've set for myself during this Biggest Loser season is that I plan to do some sort of workout while watching the show. Whether that be using my weights, doing cardio that I make up on the spot, stepping, whatever. I plan to spend at least half of each two hour episode working out. I think that's the sort of thing that would make Bob and Jillian smile :)

BTW, I did have an ice cream tonight, a 90 calorie, weight watchers ice cream bar ;) hehe!!

Well folks, I'm off to bed, but that is your sunrise commentary for this evening, have a good night :)